It has been three months since Mom passed. Certain times it feels like she's been gone for years, and other times I feel like I just got the phone call yesterday. The days are not getting better. I feel myself emotionally getting worse. Trying to put on a smile everyday, the "I'm doing fine" comments, the smile when all I want to do is cry, those are draining me physically and emotionally. I feel so alone. I no longer have "my person" to confide in. My person to call to vent about something. My person to give me a hug when I am feeling blue and down. My person who knew something was wrong without me even saying it. There were times when Mom would call me or come see me because she just had a feeling something wasn't right with me. And every time she did that, she was spot on. I am selfishly feeling sorry for myself. I know there are millions of people in this world who have life far worse than me. I know I have many students who have life far worse than me. But I can't even move past my own grief and focus on the good. I can't even try to think of what I do have, rather than what I no longer have. I want to fix it, I don't want to feel this way. It is killing me inside. But the heart of the issue is that my mom was not just a mom, she had become my very best friend. She knew me better than anyone else. Even when she would make me so mad I could scream, I still wanted her advice. I needed it. And I still do. I don't know how to move on. Life has to, we all know that. But I am stuck. I am stuck in my pain and mourning. I am failing as a wife, as a mom, as a sister, friend, and even failing as a teacher I feel. I am not my normal self. And I fear I will never be the same again. Days are darker, nights are longer, and happy times have quickly evaporated. I am so envious of Beau. He is getting signs from Nana everywhere! The butterfly at school TWO TIMES! The butterflies by the pool this summer. And I am getting nothing. Instead, I am getting haunted in my dreams, and I am starting to lose my mind. I see her, I go after her, and then she is gone. I need her to be giving me signs she is with me. I need to feel her. I need to know she is by me no matter what. I am sure it's not helping that I have lost almost total faith in God. And quite frankly, I don't even want to try getting that back. How could He do this to me? To my family? She was not ready to go. I can think of hundreds, thousands of people who should have died. Who deserved to die. Not my mom. She was doing so much good in this world. She volunteered all of her time and money to our church. She was a loyal servant of the Lord. She was getting followers to come to church. She was a great mom and even a better Nana. She was a hard worker and a loving wife. She needed to be here. She should still be here.
The confusion and guilt I feel everyday consumes my thoughts entirely. I still feel guilty. I know I should have told the doctors to keep her. Her last night in the hospital she kept telling me she wasn't feeling right. She felt like she couldn't breathe and her lungs were filling up. But she refused to tell the nurse or let me tell. What would life be like now if I just would have went behind her back? I know people are already forgetting the great loss we are going through. And that truly bothers me. It is normal that people move on and forget, we are all guilty of it. However, now I am extremely defensive of it. People are trying to tell me they understand because their mom/dad passed away at the age of 70 or 88, etc. No. Not the same. Not in the slightest. My mom was 57. Her grandchildren were 6, 5, 3, 2, and 4 months. That is not okay. We did not get enough time with her. I am only 29. That is not even close to enough time with her either.
Life has forever been altered for me. Trying to find a new normal is next to impossible. I know I cannot continue living life the way I am. I am barely surviving. I am running out of ways to keep myself motivated and going each and every day. All I need is a sign from my mom. Just one sign. More than anything I want to connect with her somehow. I would do anything to know she is okay. That things will be okay. That she is no longer hurting. That she is happy. That she is not mad at me. That she forgives me. That she knows I love her more than anything. I need to know. It's the "not knowing" that is tearing me apart. And I fear I will never know.
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