Last Thursday was my mom's birthday. She would have been 58. She SHOULD have been here to turn 58. It is still unfair and unbelievable that she is gone. It was another hard first. And it didn't even hit me really until Friday, when we went to pick out Mom's headstone for her grave. Dennis was so good about calling Brook and I and texting us throughout Thursday to talk to us. I was very grateful for all the wonderful people in my life who took time out of their day to check in on me and Brook to see how we were doing. It just shows who really cares. And for that I feel blessed. However, I am still bitter that she wasn't here. It was just 5 years ago that Joe and I went to a Wilson Philips concert with my mom and Dennis at Prairie Meadows. She was SO excited to go to this. I hope you were able to dance and sing with all of your favorite bands and lay out on a beach, mom. I wish more than anything I could have celebrated with you. I love you, and miss you more than I ever thought possible.
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| Aunt Joi always thinks of the sweetest things :) |
While Dennis and I were on the phone at the end of the night Thursday, he told me that this is mom's 1st birthday in Heaven. And for that reason we should feel blessed. As true as this may be, it made me incredibly mad. Not mad at Dennis, just mad. And all honesty, probably made mostly at God. I don't want her birthdays to be in Heaven. I don't want her to there because "He needed her more up there than we did down here". I am so sick and tired of hearing these things. But then as I thought more about what Dennis and I talked about, the more I realize I need to try my best to focus on what I should be happy about. And the only thing I could think of, and still can think of, is that I am happy that she is no longer in pain. Her knees were horrible and were keeping her from living life to the fullest. Her fibromayalgia was getting worse. So if there is a Heaven, which I am struggling with believing at this point, I know she is there if there is one. She was such a strong Christian, especially her last 7-8 years of life. If anyone was going to make it to Heaven, I know for sure she would be there. So with that, I am able to find a fraction of peace. I have been asking my mom for a sign for weeks now. And I am still not getting one. I begged for my birthday. Prayed even (which is rarely do anymore). For mom's birthday I sat and prayed all day just hoping to even feel her. So maybe for Christmas. She was always the best gift giver, so maybe she'll pull through on this one and give me a sign she's with me.
For to celebrate Mom's birthday, Brook Austin Joe and I went out to Bad Mom's Christmas then to dinner. While the movie was entertaining, it was definitely hard to watch. Just hearing the word "mom" constantly throughout the movie jerked at my heart. Dannitta, mom's best friend, was in the theatre to watch it too. It was just us there. What kind of coincidence is that?! Dannitta had seen me earlier that day when I was visiting Mom at her grave (I still go almost every single day). She didn't stay to talk to me and I found that odd. But she told me later that night it makes it too real to see us at the grave visiting her. And that is when I lost it. It's true. The only place I have left to see my mom or talk to her, is at the cemetery. And that is heartbreaking.
