Still Learning From Her

As summer is officially underway, it is getting harder by the hour. My entire summer has been altered, and I just don't know what to do. I have been so BLESSED, to have had 28 summer with my mom, and then every summer with her and my kids. She was there to spend time with, help me with my kids, help teach my kids to swim, Beau to dive, and to give them something to look forward to doing everyday in the summer. And all of that, is gone. I have no idea what to be doing everyday now. I know that sounds ridiculous, but to me, it makes perfect sense. Having 3 kids isn't a walk in the park, and I can't just take them places in the afternoons because Piper naps in the afternoon, and Baine and Piper are both still in "needy" phases. I wish I would have told my mom  more often how grateful I was of her, and our summers together. 

She finally came to me the other day. My sister was allowed to go out to my mom's swimming with her kids the other day, and said she ended up seeing a butterfly. It made me heartbroken to know I'm not allowed out there, so i can't even "find her there" if I wanted. I KNOW that my mom wanted to give me a sign to lift my spirits, because that very afternoon, just ONE butterfly came to my deck while I was laying out. And stayed by me and my flowers for several minutes. I know it was my mom.

I am still learning from my mom everyday. I am starting to recall certain memories now that had been  blocked out the past year. Now that i am remembering conversations she had with me in the last year he was alive, I know why she did now. It's almost as if she was preparing me for life and what I needed to know without her. It was her own way, or God's way, of getting my mind ready for life lessons I would endure and how to overcome them. Her advice then was taken lightly, and probably for granted at times. But now, I realize I needed it more than ever. In one of our last, most serious conversations, my mom and I had been talking about forgiveness. Not with anyone in particular or even based around anything, just in general how we are both so much alike and would struggle with apologizing, but we both actually were good at forgiving. To this day, I know i have apologized a million times more in the past year than I would ever had. I have people who have hurt me, intentionally and unintentionally, this year who have not apologized, but I know in my heart I forgive them.  Looking back at my mom and her path in life, I am still in awe of what an amazing woman she is. She overcame many obstacles in life, endured pain, heartache, and broken hearts. She grew so incredibly strong in her Faith, and made sure ALL of her family members knew how important they were to her and how much she loved them in the past recent years. I still do not know why my mom was taken from me. I don't know why she is missing out on a lifetime with her grandchildren. I don't know why a lot of things happened. I still believe I never will. You know that saying "you never know what you had, until you lost it"? That is so not true to me. I knew exactly how fortunate I was to have a mom who was also my very best friend in life. I knew what a great relationship I had with her, and knew she would always be my biggest defender and supporter in life. I just never thought I'd lose her so soon and so unexpected. 

This week I have learned from my mom to try and be more patient. As I have been re-reading her book to me, she told me in there on one specific page to be patient. And I needed that reminder this week. I am feeling alone, let down, and full of sadness. But I need to be patient. In time, I will get another sign from her. Another piece to this puzzle of life will come together and start to slowly make more and more sense. It has to.