Throw Back Thursday of Piper

Kaylee sent me these pictures of her and Piper from a year ago today. How is that possible?! And my goodness Piper really had no hair. And angry facial expressions haha. Just not the most attractive pictures of her ;)

Enhancing Our "Amusement Park"

Since we can't go out to my mom's swimming everyday now, the kids are I have been going stir crazy in the house! So we finally broke down, and bought a pool. Let's be clear, out pool is a small 12 foot pool that is only 30 inches deep. But, it will keep the kiddos entertained...hopefully :)

Peace and Serenity at Nana's

Yesterday, I was allowed to take the kids out to my mom's to swim. It was an overwhelming feeling to be honest. The last time I had been at my mom's was Christmas Day, so going six months without even driving out towards her direction was emotional. This should be my normal, daily routine this summer. I should be driving out everyday, rushing to have lunch with my mom by the pool. Have my mom catch me up on what's the latest on Young and the Restless. Listen to her rant about politics. And just relax all afternoon with her. But, at the same time, I was very happy to see my boys playing at Nana's and just making themselves right at home. That's how it should be, and that's how my mom would want it. Several things have changed by the pool since last summer, so it threw me off trying to figure out what it was, but just a few trees dying or removed. It was sad to see my mom's favorite oriental tree had died. I guess that's how life works though. Life has to come to an end at some point. 

The boys started right where they left off it seemed. Grabbing their toys, rough housing in the pool, going down the slide and off the board, all the things that make them happy. Which, at the end of the day, makes me eternally happy to see my children smile. I am trying to move forward with life, slowly and one day at a time. Things are not better, and most definitely are not easier. I know I am at a point where I am fighting this battle alone. But I have three reasons to overcome it all and be the best I can be: Beau, Baine and Piper Collins. I refuse to let my heartache and sadness keep them from having a summer of fun memories and happiness. So hopefully yesterday was the start of new memories at my mom's this summer. 

Jaarsma Date With My Circus :)

Father's Day Weekend 2018

For Father's Day weekend, we spent most of it at the lake. Joe's absolute favorite family activity is boating, so of course that's where he would want to be :) The kids did so well again, especially for it being as hot as it was. Piper just loves to float in the water with her daddy, Beau and Baine played with their friends at the beach, and devoured most of Grandma Chelle's cookies. :)

Sunday we spent the day with my dad at his house. The kids played in the pool, Beau made cookies with my dad, and we just relaxed outside. It was the perfect ending to such a great weekend. I hope Joe, my dad, and Scott all had an amazing weekend. They are wonderful dads/grandpas and have been great teachers and role models for us and the grandkids. 

Still Learning From Her

As summer is officially underway, it is getting harder by the hour. My entire summer has been altered, and I just don't know what to do. I have been so BLESSED, to have had 28 summer with my mom, and then every summer with her and my kids. She was there to spend time with, help me with my kids, help teach my kids to swim, Beau to dive, and to give them something to look forward to doing everyday in the summer. And all of that, is gone. I have no idea what to be doing everyday now. I know that sounds ridiculous, but to me, it makes perfect sense. Having 3 kids isn't a walk in the park, and I can't just take them places in the afternoons because Piper naps in the afternoon, and Baine and Piper are both still in "needy" phases. I wish I would have told my mom  more often how grateful I was of her, and our summers together. 

She finally came to me the other day. My sister was allowed to go out to my mom's swimming with her kids the other day, and said she ended up seeing a butterfly. It made me heartbroken to know I'm not allowed out there, so i can't even "find her there" if I wanted. I KNOW that my mom wanted to give me a sign to lift my spirits, because that very afternoon, just ONE butterfly came to my deck while I was laying out. And stayed by me and my flowers for several minutes. I know it was my mom.

I am still learning from my mom everyday. I am starting to recall certain memories now that had been  blocked out the past year. Now that i am remembering conversations she had with me in the last year he was alive, I know why she did now. It's almost as if she was preparing me for life and what I needed to know without her. It was her own way, or God's way, of getting my mind ready for life lessons I would endure and how to overcome them. Her advice then was taken lightly, and probably for granted at times. But now, I realize I needed it more than ever. In one of our last, most serious conversations, my mom and I had been talking about forgiveness. Not with anyone in particular or even based around anything, just in general how we are both so much alike and would struggle with apologizing, but we both actually were good at forgiving. To this day, I know i have apologized a million times more in the past year than I would ever had. I have people who have hurt me, intentionally and unintentionally, this year who have not apologized, but I know in my heart I forgive them.  Looking back at my mom and her path in life, I am still in awe of what an amazing woman she is. She overcame many obstacles in life, endured pain, heartache, and broken hearts. She grew so incredibly strong in her Faith, and made sure ALL of her family members knew how important they were to her and how much she loved them in the past recent years. I still do not know why my mom was taken from me. I don't know why she is missing out on a lifetime with her grandchildren. I don't know why a lot of things happened. I still believe I never will. You know that saying "you never know what you had, until you lost it"? That is so not true to me. I knew exactly how fortunate I was to have a mom who was also my very best friend in life. I knew what a great relationship I had with her, and knew she would always be my biggest defender and supporter in life. I just never thought I'd lose her so soon and so unexpected. 

This week I have learned from my mom to try and be more patient. As I have been re-reading her book to me, she told me in there on one specific page to be patient. And I needed that reminder this week. I am feeling alone, let down, and full of sadness. But I need to be patient. In time, I will get another sign from her. Another piece to this puzzle of life will come together and start to slowly make more and more sense. It has to.

More Dreams With Mom

Two nights ago, my mom came to me in my dream again. It was another one of those realistic, I swore it was happening kind of dream. We were at the old farmhouse, and I got a call to come out to have supper with Dennis. When I got there, my mom was sitting at the table, and was acting like everything was normal. I was freaking out, obviously. My mom had "ran off" to Pennsylvania to try a special treatment because she had been sick with ovarian cancer. She didn't want any of us to know in case she didn't survive the trial treatment. I was yelling at her, mad at her for leaving me and abandoning me. I was telling her how all of these awful things had happened while she was gone and I had no one to defend me, and she just said "I know. I saw it all" That's all she said to me! Talk about crazy dreams right?...

I don't remember how my dream ended, but it has been really bothering me. I know that sometimes our dreams can be fabricated from our real life, and maybe given what happened to me at the ER last week, it had me all worked up and nervous. My mom has been coming to me a lot lately, "telling me things" and giving me larger than life signs. I feel like a crazy person most of the time, but often I feel like everyone else is crazy for not believing me or listening to me. Just stuck between a rock and hard place. And I hope she "talks me through" the next few weeks. I am missing her more this past month than I have since the holidays. And I know that's due to summer, my first summer in 28 years without her. And I just don't know how to cope.

Vacation Bible School 2018

Today is the first day of VBS at church. Beau was not excited to go at all, and was in tears when I left him this morning. He wouldn't tell me why, but I can only assume he is missing his Nana not being there. Beau is always thinking about her, and I have even done my best to not talk about her around the kids anymore unless they bring it up, which is pretty frequent. Beau had such a special bond with my mom, and just loved being with her almost every day in the summer. I am sure he is doing better once they got started on their activities, but it still broke my heart. I hope my mom is giving all the kids comfort this week, especially the older ones as they miss her.

VBS ended up being great for the boys. Baine wanted to stay with Beau or Banx most of the week, but actually stayed in his age group the whole time on Friday!!