Struggling

After a long weekend full of events and celebrating the boys' birthdays, I really thought I was going to be okay and not miss my mom more than normal since I would be so busy. I could not have been more wrong. I was fine all weekend, until Sunday. The day where I knew I would always get to see my mom at church. The day where she would be over at my house helping me get ready for the boys' party. The day where she would be making food for me, telling me all about the gifts she got the boys and how excited she was to give them to them. It was the day where she should have been there.

Beau had been acting okay all day, until the evening after everyone left. He was very quiet and just not his normal self. Joe and I went to ask him what was wrong, and he just began sobbing. He cried for his Nana wishing she was there. He asked to go lay in his bed, look at his Nana book (he sleeps with this every single night) and watch videos on my phone that had Nana and her voice in them. He literally cried himself to sleep. This broke my heart into a million pieces. My six year old should not have cried himself to sleep the day of his birthday party. He should not be heartbroken like this. And I can't fix it. Yesterday he had a horrible day at school too. His teacher e-mailed me saying Beau was quiet all day, wasn't acting himself, and didn't want to talk. He went to the nurse and just wanted to lay down for awhile. When I asked Beau about it last night, he said he just didn't feel well and kept thinking about Nana at his party last year.

I am feeling guilty now that I have no words to take away this pain from Beau. I am doing my best to not fall apart when he breaks down like this. I keep trying to convince myself and everyone else that Beau and I are doing just fine. He has definitely always been a Nana's boy. He loved baking with her in her kitchen, swimming with her, learning to dive, playing at her house, driving the gator, just any time he could spend with her was Heaven to him. And I don't know how to get any of that enjoyment back for him.

I know I am not myself anymore. I am struggling more and more I am realizing. I don't find things to be enjoyable that I would have before. I am failing as a wife, big time. I am failing as a mom. I am failing with helping with our finances. I am failing with saving up money for a house. I am failing at friendships. I am failing at relationships with my family members. I feel I am failing at my job, even. I need my mom here to help me get back into it. I need her to scold me about being better to Joe, or for her to scold Joe to be better at ______. I need her to tell me I'm too hard on Beau and to relax a little. I need her here to let me vent to her about my struggles or frustrations. I need her to tell me that everything is going to be okay and why she knows it will be okay. I need her here to talk me into staying at my job, and why I need to be teaching and why I love it. I know all of these things deep down, but not having your cheerleader anymore takes the want and drive to succeed away.

I have been dreaming a lot about my mom lately. But they are cruel and terrible dreams. Dreams where she is alive again, but then leaves me. Dreams where I have literally (or so I thought) watched her come in my house, look at me, then leave again. It's like she keeps teasing me by popping back into my life where I think she's back, and then just leaves without me being able to say goodbye. Again. I am going crazy. Losing my mind.

The days are getting shorter. Colder. More quiet. And darker. And that describes my heart and feelings to a T. I have lost all faith in God. I fear I will never get it back. I don't want my children to grow up seeing me not believe. But I just don't, I just can't. I am becoming bitter. Not at anyone in particular. Just at life. This was not supposed to happen. She was the glue that kept our family together. I worry our family will begin to fall apart. She should be here. I need her here. And I cannot shake off this feeling that another terrible thing is about to happen. I worry that's what my dreams are about. Her preparing me for another loss. Now I really sound crazy, don't I?