Baine's School Pictures 2017-2018

Baine had his school pictures last week at school. I was very nervous for what they would look like, because if you don't know this about Baine, if it's not his idea it is NOT going to happen! You really get all 3 attitude of Baine here: ornery, upset, and happy/sweet

Halloween Party at Church

Wednesday night was the Halloween party at church for kids and families. It was a fun couple of hours for the kids and they loved walking across the stage for the Halloween parade to introduce themselves and say who they were dressed as. Baine didn't quite make it long enough for the parade and needed to go home---he gets rather crabby and emotional. He should be banned from public most of the time :)

Struggling

After a long weekend full of events and celebrating the boys' birthdays, I really thought I was going to be okay and not miss my mom more than normal since I would be so busy. I could not have been more wrong. I was fine all weekend, until Sunday. The day where I knew I would always get to see my mom at church. The day where she would be over at my house helping me get ready for the boys' party. The day where she would be making food for me, telling me all about the gifts she got the boys and how excited she was to give them to them. It was the day where she should have been there.

Beau had been acting okay all day, until the evening after everyone left. He was very quiet and just not his normal self. Joe and I went to ask him what was wrong, and he just began sobbing. He cried for his Nana wishing she was there. He asked to go lay in his bed, look at his Nana book (he sleeps with this every single night) and watch videos on my phone that had Nana and her voice in them. He literally cried himself to sleep. This broke my heart into a million pieces. My six year old should not have cried himself to sleep the day of his birthday party. He should not be heartbroken like this. And I can't fix it. Yesterday he had a horrible day at school too. His teacher e-mailed me saying Beau was quiet all day, wasn't acting himself, and didn't want to talk. He went to the nurse and just wanted to lay down for awhile. When I asked Beau about it last night, he said he just didn't feel well and kept thinking about Nana at his party last year.

I am feeling guilty now that I have no words to take away this pain from Beau. I am doing my best to not fall apart when he breaks down like this. I keep trying to convince myself and everyone else that Beau and I are doing just fine. He has definitely always been a Nana's boy. He loved baking with her in her kitchen, swimming with her, learning to dive, playing at her house, driving the gator, just any time he could spend with her was Heaven to him. And I don't know how to get any of that enjoyment back for him.

I know I am not myself anymore. I am struggling more and more I am realizing. I don't find things to be enjoyable that I would have before. I am failing as a wife, big time. I am failing as a mom. I am failing with helping with our finances. I am failing with saving up money for a house. I am failing at friendships. I am failing at relationships with my family members. I feel I am failing at my job, even. I need my mom here to help me get back into it. I need her to scold me about being better to Joe, or for her to scold Joe to be better at ______. I need her to tell me I'm too hard on Beau and to relax a little. I need her here to let me vent to her about my struggles or frustrations. I need her to tell me that everything is going to be okay and why she knows it will be okay. I need her here to talk me into staying at my job, and why I need to be teaching and why I love it. I know all of these things deep down, but not having your cheerleader anymore takes the want and drive to succeed away.

I have been dreaming a lot about my mom lately. But they are cruel and terrible dreams. Dreams where she is alive again, but then leaves me. Dreams where I have literally (or so I thought) watched her come in my house, look at me, then leave again. It's like she keeps teasing me by popping back into my life where I think she's back, and then just leaves without me being able to say goodbye. Again. I am going crazy. Losing my mind.

The days are getting shorter. Colder. More quiet. And darker. And that describes my heart and feelings to a T. I have lost all faith in God. I fear I will never get it back. I don't want my children to grow up seeing me not believe. But I just don't, I just can't. I am becoming bitter. Not at anyone in particular. Just at life. This was not supposed to happen. She was the glue that kept our family together. I worry our family will begin to fall apart. She should be here. I need her here. And I cannot shake off this feeling that another terrible thing is about to happen. I worry that's what my dreams are about. Her preparing me for another loss. Now I really sound crazy, don't I?

Beau's Special Lunch Dates

For Beau's birthday, Aunt Joi treated Beau to his favorite treats for lunch and was his special guest. Today, Aunt Brookie was able to join Beau and treat him. You are one loved dude, Mr. Beau!!

Weekend Activities

As looking through old pictures, I have realize that our kids are always being entertained especially on the weekends! Beau has gone golfing recently with Daddy and Alex, we have had our friends over, dinner with Clint and Tara, the list goes on and on. I hope our kids grow up realizing how blessed they are to have such entertainment with family and friends :)

Royce's Service back Home

A few weeks ago we had Royce's funeral service here back home for family and friends who couldn't travel to Florida. Even though it was horrible circumstances, it was fun to see Joe's family again and I know Beau was excited to see his cousins to play. Hope to see everyone again soon!

Making a visit to Nana while we prepared for the funeral

Weekend with Aunt PP and Uncle Joe

Last weekend we had Banx and Bond over all weekend. We love having the kids at our house and the cousins all are best friends. Even though it was a cold, rainy weekend, we made the most of it with movies, popcorn and inside crafts :)

Papa's Farming Buddy

Friday Papa took Baine out to the farm with him for the day. Now that Baine is fully potty trained, this makes it much easier for Papa. He stayed out at the farm for hours and was great for Papa (or so I'm told ;)

Dena's Birthday

Dena and Beau share the same birthday, so for the past 6 years I have not been able to pay much attention to her. This year, I made sure I helped make her day special :) We went out in Des Moines Friday night for her special day and I am so glad I made it. Dinner at Eatery A, drinks at Stuffed Olive, and then of course dancing is always involved with Dena Kay :) Happy Birthday to my best friend! :)

Family Pumpkin Carving

Last Sunday, we decided to carve pumpkins with the boys to kick off their birthday week. We try to have a tradition around our house that you do special things all week long for your birthday, not just on your birthday :) Baine and I carved a cat under the moon, and Beau and Daddy carved at bat in the night. No one cut themselves, and no one threw a tantrum. So a successful day! :)

Piper: 8 Months Old

Piper, you are now 8 months old. Where is time going?! It is not possible that you are pushing 1 year old. Your personality is developing more and more. I love how spunky and happy you always are. You smile at anyone who will look at you, and absolutely love attention. Just great! :)

You are:
-wearing 9 - 12 month clothing
-wearing size 3 diapers
-8 teethe, although you seem to be teething now again
-Standing up with holding on to things
-Starting to walk around things
-saying "Dada"
-eyes are getting darker and darker :)
-finally getting some hair and it is blonde!
-you love to be played with by your older brothers, especially when Baine drags you around by your legs