I had myself convinced shortly after the holidays that since I made it and survived many of the "firsts" without my mom, that things were going to start getting easier. And I had myself convinced for a few weeks. But reality is sinking back in again. Times are getting harder. Day by day, I find myself taking more steps backwards. Everything sets me off these days. One simple comment can just ruin my day. I am also becoming more bitter. This is something I know my mom would be so disappointed in. She would be so upset with me for holding things against everyone, or bouncing back from hot and cold. But also, I know I get that from no stranger. My mom used to be like that too at times. So in a round about way, I am feeling her emotions through me as well right now.
I went through a patch where I wasn't dreaming about her anymore or "seeing" her in my thoughts like I had been. That probably played into account of my setback. But this week, when I have really been missing her, she's been back in my dreams. Not necessarily "telling me" anything or giving me advice, but just in them. I know that sounds crazy. But I do still see her. I talk to her all the time. When I go to her grave I pretend she's gong to pull up in her car right behind me. When I still call her, I get upset with her for "ignoring my call" because she's gambling and can't be interrupted. All of these things would describe me as insane...I'm aware. But it is how I am surviving right now.
People have said that as soon as you get through a year of "Firsts", it won't be so bad anymore. That comment alone is a trigger. The more time passes, the more I miss her, the more real this is, and the more depressed I get. I do not see any option for things getting better. However, for my families sake, I know things have to. As a whole, we are all suffering. Things can only go up from here. That is the mindset I am trying to keep.
I love you and miss you more and more each day, Mom. Please send us a sign.
