Happy Birthday, Mom

On November 9, it would have  should have been my mom's 61st birthday. I don't even have words anymore to begin to describe how empty and lonely I feel without her at times. But this is what I do know, that I am so grateful to be missing her so much. It makes me realize even more how important and amazing she was. The more I think of her and miss her, the more it reminds me that if I didn't miss her, then I wouldn't feel like I'm missing out on her. And that certainly is not the case. This time of the year is hard. And I keep thinking, hoping and praying it will get better. It isn't, YET. I am sure it will someday. But 3 years later, it's still so hard. I look at this picture of her, and just see her overall beauty. I miss her Coco Chanel perfume. I miss her rough hands from working outside. I miss her loud laugh that would make anyone smile around her. I miss her beaming smile with those perfect teeth. I miss her overly honest advice, even when it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I miss her love for God and the example she set for me and my children. I miss her hugs. She gave the best hugs. I miss her Saturday morning visits to the house. She would always bring donuts and chocolate milk from Yaarsma over on Saturday mornings after her Bible study group. We would sit and have coffee and just visit. I miss going to her house. Smelling all of the food she had made in her kitchen. I miss making fun of her for something ridiculous she said or did. I even miss her yelling at me--which I can't believe I'm admitting. 

Wearing a smile everyday is getting exhausting. Because there are days where I can barely keep it together . School this year is hard. Life is hard. And I just need my mom. I know she's with me, but it's not the same. And it never will be.

So if/when you are with your loved ones over the holidays or whenever you see them, take those pictures! Even if you hate your hair that day. Take the selfies! Talk about favorite memories. Take videos. Enjoy the moment and more importantly LIVE in the moment. I wish I would have done more of this with her. 

Happy birthday, Mom. I love you.