Still Missing Her

It is still hard, moving on without my mom here. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever "move on" or "get over it", and I think that is perfectly fine. I just have to learn to adapt to this new life without her in it. Summers are hard. I learned that last summer. And this summer is already hard. I should be laying out with her in her pool and teaching the kids to swim. I should be watching her favorite soap operas with her as the kids eat lunch outside and play. We should be going on spa trips. She should be spoiling Brook and I by going shopping and offering her Younkers coupons to us. Too many "should be's" that are now "can't be's". 

Beau is still having a hard time missing Nana. When we were reading bedtime stories last night, Piper picked out the Zoo book. When we opened it up to read, this was the first page. Beau instantly started weeping and became sad for the rest of the night, and was even quiet still today. He is confused still about what Heaven is and why we can't go there to see her. He is confused why we can't go to Den-Den and Nana's anymore and why he can't go swimming. He is confused, and has every right to be. Because so am I. 

Many people have moved on from my mom-and that is normal and to be expected. It still hurts. I feel so overly protective of her and her legacy. So when Brook and I read comments or hear things of people saying how "God is so good" "what a blessing" "everything happens for a reason", it is a dagger to our hearts. We aren't able to put our family back together, we aren't able to be in her dream house to feel her presence or bask in our memories with her presence there. So much was taken from us. And we aren't ever able to get any of it back. And for that, I feel heartbroken. I miss my mom. I miss her infectious laugh. Her beautiful smile. I miss her calling me just to check in on me or to ask what crazy thing Baine has done to drive me wild. I miss her smell. I miss hearing her voice. And mostly, I miss the way she hugged me. Even as an adult, whenever she hugged me, I felt at home and safe. To learn from her, I hope my children always feel that way when I hug them too. 

Love you, Mom. Miss you.

P