The Guilt

Missing my mom has become a normal state of mind for me. It's not a matter of good days vs bad days anymore. All days are pretty much the same, with no major highs or lows...just a middle ground. This week I have been missing my mom on a deeper level than I have been lately (probably due to spring being here and the kids already asking to go swimming at Nana and Den Den's pool).

Two years ago about this time, I took my mom to the spa one day to treat her to a manicure/pedicure as a thank you for helping me out by watching Piper so I could go back to work for the last month before school was out for summer. At the time, my mom had hinted she wanted a new Michael Kors purse, and I remember the distinct conversation of me telling her I would love to buy it for her as a "thank you"-and she just told me "no, she'll try and earn it ;)". AKA-casino hahaha. And now, I think, why didn't I just buy it for her anyways? And when I took her to the spa, she said she didn't even enjoy the pedicure because her feet were so sore and it hurt. I was annoyed--incredibly annoyed--and now, why?? She was clearly in pain, not feeling well, and I didn't even try to empathize for her. She raised me better than that, and I know better. And I feel terrible for being a brat to her about so many things. But such is life, we live and learn as the saying goes. It's the not being able to apologize or make up for the things you regret.

Living with guilt is a nasty demon itself, and it's one I have been trying to over come. The guilt of not telling my mom's nurses that she wasn't feeling well (the day she left the hospital) will never go away. I will always have a feeling of "well if I would have told...." And that is just something I have to deal with, one way or another. While I know it's not healthy, dealing with the guilt has been a task at hand. I am sure it is for most people who deal with it. Missing her is just part of my "normal" now. I don't even remember what I used to feel like before my mom passed away. People move on. They forget. Or they just don't want to bring it up. That is normal, and that is life. It's just heavy on the heart to endure.

Miss you mom, just as much as I did almost 2 years ago. I won't ever forget you and will do my best to keep your memory alive with all of our family and friends 💜

As I look back on this text conversation with my mom, I can totally see how she was always looking out for Brook and I, and still worried about us---even as grown adults with out own babies. I totally took that for granted. My mom was so good about checking in to make sure WE were okay, and made sure to let us know she wanted to help.