Still Missing Her

Last night was a very hard and sad night in our house. It started off great at the Homecoming parade up town, then eating out. But as soon as we got home, Beau broke down in tears and cried for which seemed like hours (but it was only about 20ish minutes). I have been trying my best to not talk about my mom to anyone anymore, only because I feel like I'm the only one left still not being able to get over mourning her. I am still "stuck" I feel. So, in return, I try not to talk about her that much at home either because I still get pretty emotional. Well I clearly need to stop that. Beau was so upset last night missing Nana. He just cried and cried and neither Joe or I could console him. I don't even know what triggered it. He asked to look at her pictures and videos I have saved on my phone. And he just loves the video I made of Piper's 1 year because it has him and Nana in it together. Then, Beau became more upset because once he heard Nana's voice, he cried harder saying "I forgot what she sounded like". That's where I lost it. And that was what I have been fearing for Beau and Baine. I have been worried and sad that they would forget her, forget her smile, her smell, her voice, and that amazing laugh. But they are little, so that's probably expected. Beau did not take well to that. He was always close to my mom, and told me for the first time last night "it's not fair she's not here". He then told me "I wish Nana would have been able to be in the hospital with me". That also crushed me. When Beau was in the hospital, the day of his surgery there was a large monarch butterfly that kept flying around his window for a few hours (totally serious about this). I told Beau that for sure was Nana looking after him and she is part of the reason why he was so strong and brave.

We are missing you so much still, mom. Life is still so hard without you. I have stopped calling you everyday. I know you won't be there to answer. But I refuse to turn your phone off just in case there is a day when your phone decides to send me a text again like it did last fall (weirdest and best sign ever). I have not been able to fill the void I have with you no longer here for me. You haven't been giving me any signs lately. And you haven't been in my dreams for awhile. Please come back. Beau and I miss you so much. We both could use some comfort and signs from you please.