Finding Peace

Wilson Phillips Concert for my mom's birthday 

I have now gone a full summer without my mom, and it was much harder than I thought it was going to be---given a year had passed already. I have quickly learned not only how lonely life is without my mom, but how much harder life is without her. Even the practicality of life without her has been hard. I was always grateful to have my mom as a stay at home mom when I was growing up, then after becoming a mom myself, her ability to help out frequently made life so much easier and alleviated plenty of possible stress. She was always there to help when kids were sick and I couldn't miss school, or to help take Baine to all of his therapy appointments, to run kids to the Dr, watch kids for me so I could go to the grocery store in peace, etc. This past school year definitely showed that. Piper was so sick last winter, and Baine was always needing to go to the doctor for his appointments, and I ended up running out of sick days. I know I never took having her help from granted, but I just hope she knows how much she was appreciated. That is something I wish I could tell her just one more time.

My mom often felt like people thought less of her because she didn't have a college degree or make a career for herself outside of the home. She couldn't have been more wrong. Being a stay at home mom is not an easy job (I'm quickly learning that this summer) and she volunteered for every church function possible and was always helping out where she could. And then on top of all of that, she helped Dennis as much as she could in the field. She was such a selfless person who wanted to give back as much as possible. I think the world of her for that. I was am so proud of my mom and all that she accomplished in her too short of life. She was a devoted wife to Dennis and loved him with all of her heart. She was a proud mother of her two daughters (and also proud of her step-children in all they had accomplished so far in life) and most definitely was proud of her grandchildren. She loved that her grandchildren (except for Piper now) learned how to swim in her pool. Just as we learned how to swim in my Grandma Peggy's pool.

Life has changed drastically without her, and it's just not fair. I'm not mad that she's gone. I don't hate anyone or anything because she's gone. I'm simply heartbroken that she's gone and was taken from me. I needed her still. My kids needed her, especially Beau. Our normal traditions we had with her have come to an end, and some aren't even an option to continue without her. Beau is already asking about the State Fair which breaks my heart for him. Not seeing her on the deck or with her "deck dork" friends at the fair is an empty feeling this time of the year.

Looking back, I had the ideal life with my mom when she was here. Teaching not only is my greatest passion (besides being a mom), but it gives me the most ideal schedule with my kids.  Being able to take my kids swimming at Nana's pool everyday was our slice of heaven on earth--and just getting that quality time with her. Having my mom around to help out was amazing. Or to have my mom to go shopping with, go to the spa with, or just to watch Young and the Restless with was my ideal world with her. She gave me the best advice I always needed, even when I didn't agree at first. She always made sure I didn't feel left out in life, alone, or anything less than important. I try not to let myself cry anymore over my mom, but I find myself sobbing as I write this tribute in her honor.

I will never forget you mom, and certainly am doing my best to not let others forget you or your legacy. I talk about you as much as I can with those that want to hear it. I am always reminding Beau and Baine of their memories with you. I talk to Piper all of the time and call her "Coco" when I talk to her about you. She is now saying Coco and I know that is your doing! You are so missed by many, but most definitely missed in my household. Not a minute goes by where I don't think of you. You have been talking to me so much lately in my dreams, and I am so thankful for that. At first I thought I was going crazy, but you have been right about a few important things you have "told me". Thank you for that. I love you mom, and wish so terribly much you were here with me. I hope you know that you make me so proud of you as a Christian, a wife, a mom, a Nana, and as a person in general. I can still see your bright and shining smile everywhere I go in town and can hear your laugh when the kids do something ridiculous. Miss you, xoxo