1 Year...

It has officially been one year now of "firsts". First birthday, Christmas, etc without her. And now going on our first full summer without her. It has not been easy, and it really isn't getting easier. I think I've just mastered the "I'm fine" phase. I have quickly realized lately I do not like the attention people give me regarding my mom when they try to give me advice. Everyone is so different as to how they grieve. My sister and I are even polar opposite on how we are grieving. I am tired of the "it will get easier", "you have to move on", "be grateful for what you have" etc comments. I know people mean well when they say that, but it makes me so sad. Because I know all of that. Depression is a scary sickness. One that is rarely visible or known to others. People do not chose to be depressed. I am not choosing to not enjoy my life. I am not choosing to not wake up everyday and just think how blessed I am. So when I hear people tell me I have too much to be thankful for, it makes me feel like a failure as a mom and a wife. I have so much guilt everyday that I am so sad. I don't ever want my sadness to take away memories from my children. And I am doing my best so they don't see me upset anymore--quite frankly I am doing my best so no one sees that from me anymore. The past few weeks have been the hardest. Beau asks every single day to go swimming at Nana's. That hurts my heart when I have to tell him we can't. Beau and Baine see butterflies often and now that is how they remember Nana, which makes me sad that they will forget the actual Nana and all of the great memories she had with them. Piper is trying to talk now, and is saying "Nana" (obviously not knowing what she is saying), but I can just picture how excited my mom would be right now to hear her little Coco Chanel saying Nana first :). 

I feel so alone still. My mom was just the center of my universe and always was there for me. She loved me, protected me, and defended me. I know I have amazing family and friends still, but it's just not the same. And it never will be. I am not able to move forward yet, and just do not know how to honestly. I don't want to be this sad, I don't want to live with guilt and resentment everyday, but I do. I keep trying to think of what my mom would be saying to me if she were here. And all I can picture her doing right now, is just holding me and running her hand through my hair. I know she would have words of wisdom, but all I want is to feel her touch one more time. For so long I feared my mom didn't know how much I adored her and appreciated her. I kept thinking "if I could only make sure my mom knew....". But just last week as I was going through my text message with my mom, I came across this text. It was her "telling" me to look at my phone to put my heart at ease. And for just a little bit, it did....

I rarely get sappy, or emotional and pour feelings out to my loved ones. But something in me knew I had to tell my mom most definitely how much she meant to me shortly before I lost her. And I am forever thankful I did that, or maybe I'm thankful I did it in text (because I know I always told her I loved her and appreciated her in person) but at least I have the text to put my mind at ease and to help me remember. I know that was her sign to me. To look back at my old phone with her texts, and be reminded. 

This is also what I miss. She was always looking out for Brook and me. The normal "mother worry" was always in full mode with Mom. 

I know life must go on. And it has been. As much as I wish I could erase 2017 from my mind, I have one amazing gift out of it that surpasses all of my sadness....Piper Collins. God certainly knew what he was doing by giving me a daughter shortly before I would lose my mom. He knew I would need her and to push myself to keep going. He knew I would need Piper to someday develop that same relationship and bond I had with my mom. He knew, and I think my mom even knew. I still have amazing women in my life. And that is more than most people have. I have to keep things in perspective. I am not the wife/mother who just lost her four daughters and husband in a car accident. I am not the mother who just lost her child to cancer. I am not the mother or wife who had to plan a funeral for her child or husband and burry them. I am not the sister who is now alone. And I am not an orphan. I could be any of those things, and that would make life so much worse...I can't even imagine most of that quite frankly. So when I try to think of life that way, it's what gets me through each day. Life truly could always be worse. And I will be able to live without my mom. It won't be fun or as enjoyable as it was with her, but I have so much life to live with my family yet. I am so thankful for everyone who rallied behind me in the past year. To my loved ones that didn't give up on me, even when I was at my worst. To my special friends and family who still love me and accept me for exactly who I am. 

This was my final goodbye to my mom. The last moment I was able to touch her, and see her beautiful face. I will never forget that day. I love you so much, Mom. You were, and still are my hero. I think about you non-stop every single day. Everything I do or the kids do, makes me think of you. I hope I am still making you proud. Because I am doing my darn best.