A Different Kind of Christmas: 6 Months of Pain

I saw this on Facebook yesterday, and it couldn't be more appropriate as to how I feel.

This year was definitely a different kind of Christmas. I kept trying to prepare myself of what it would be like and how awful it was going to be, but honestly, there is nothing that was going to prepare me for the holidays. Christmas was hard this year, and I know it will never be the same. Mom was always so wonderful with holidays, especially birthdays and Christmas. She would have her house decorated so perfect, always had fresh cookies or something warm out of the oven, and her best Pickwick candles burning. None of that was there this year. The house was silent, missing her laugh. The room wasn't as bring in the void of her smile. The kids weren't as excited to go to Nana's since they knew she wouldn't be there and we wouldn't open presents together. I know I was a wet blanket this year for Christmas. In fact, I can feel my depression getting heavier and darker. I know I am drowning. I am barely holding on. And all I wanted was to make it through the holidays and have a sign from her. I made it through, even though it was hell. Christmas Eve service was my trigger. Every year, since I was a little girl, we have ALWAYS gone to Christmas Eve candle lit service at church. It was our thing to go to the 11:00 service, because that meant we could stay up later. The service was small this year. Or maybe I just thought it was small since my mom and Dennis both were absent. I didn't have my mom there to criticize how people were singing, or getting annoyed with the sound system, or getting upset with Brook and I for showing up with a few too many drinks in us from Grandma Peggy's. I sat in our church pew, and sobbed during the service. I tried my best to  contain it, but it was inevitable that it was going to happen. I had my breakdown, and I should have known it was coming. Following into Christmas day, I was just heartbroken. Knowing we had been to everyone's house and had all of our Christmases with parents, except mom. It felt empty. I felt like my whole Christmas spirit had been deflated. Nothing was exciting for me. Not the presents. Not the pictures. And for that, I still feel like a terrible mother for my own children's sake. To try and feel mom, Brook and I went out to our mom's house Christmas afternoon. Our Christmas Day turned to instant hell as soon as I walked up the steps and saw another woman in my mother's kitchen. It is a sight I will never get out of my head. It was unforgivable, and most definitely unforgettable. The sight of my mom cooking in her kitchen was a fond memory. My mom loved to cook and her new kitchen was her dream kitchen. So to see another woman cooking and making herself right at home in my mothers house, in OUR house, was downright cruel andI am more bitter now than I was 2 months ago. Some people may not understand, but I don't really care. My mom's house was her heaven. She loved her new home. It is by far the nicest and coziest house I have ever been in. I know I will never be able to afford a house like that. I know that my mom and Dennis worked so hard and that they were able to give my mom her dream home made me so proud and happy for her. She only was able to enjoy it for 8 short years. That is far too short. 

Aside from being upset about the house and who was in it, I was simply heartbroken. I feel like now that our mom is gone, we have no one on our side to stand up for us. No one to go to battle or call someone out on their crap. Don't get me wrong, I do a fine job of holding my own and calling people out on their B.S., but it's still nice to know you have someone who will always be on your side. Or even just a should to cry on or a sounding board for you to vent to. I have lost that. My mom was all of that for me. She was my very best friend. We would b**** about things and people together, cry about the past and/or present together, laugh about how ornery the kids are, and just enjoy each other's company. This week of Christmas break has made me realize all over again how much I miss her. This would be our time together. When everyone went back to work, but we could watch Young and the Restless together, catch up on Jill's Steals and Deals, and of course watch Ellen. I just want to be in bed now. Which is basically what I've done all week. I know I'm not the same. I am no longer fun to be around. I am losing my sense of humor. I am irritable. I am bitter. I am angry. I am hurt. I am sad. I am heartbroken. I am confused. I have a million emotions going through me, all while trying to keep a happy face on for my family and pretend things are great. The reality of it is, things are not great. Things may just never be great again, just livable. 

I miss my mom. I miss her so much I still cry or cringe everytime I hear someone else say "mom" or anything to do with their mom. It makes me bitter at the same time. People are already forgetting my mom and the fact it's been 6 months (in 2 hours to be exact) since I lost her. People are no longer talking about her or keeping her memories alive. This pains me. It's natural for others to move on. I get it. But when it's your own pain, it makes it worse. Someone told me that I should think of this Christmas as my mom's first Christmas in Heaven with God. And how happy she is. This makes me want to lose my mind. I don't want to hear anymore analogies about my mom in heaven. Yes, deep down I believe she is there, however, I need her HERE. With me. It was not her time to leave me. And I still can't figure out why she did. There is truly no good that could come out of her leaving. It is  only caused more harm. Our family is slowly falling apart. My marriage is on the back burner which is making life at home hard. My kids' needs aren't always coming first because I'm trying my best to survive and can't always fester up the energy to do something fun with the. It's not fair to everyone involved. So the religious excuses need to stop. At least for now. I am angry with God. Even after 6 months of this pain, I am still angry. I am not finding any answers. 

I feel so alone. I'm starting to get a little annoyed when people in my life will ask me "what's wrong? you seem upset". It's probably because I'm thinking of my mom. And still mourning her. It's not getting easier. It's getting harder. Day by day. I need to feel her hands one more time. Hear her voice one more time. Not take the "I love you P" for granted one more time. No one will ever understand me as good as she did. And that is a lonely feeling itself. She is literally my only family member that never held a grudge with me. We could yell at each other one night, fight, hang up the phone, slam the door, etc. and the next morning she'd ask me if I wanted to go swimming or go get massages or come out and watch movies. She always forgave me. In fact, she always forgave everyone in her life. I admire that about her. And something I definitely strive to be like her in that department. 

So Mom, if you are up in Heaven celebrating your 1st Christmas, I hope they all know that we are missing out on you and your famous cooking. That we need you more than ever, and it's been unbearable without you. I hope you know that I love you more than anything, and I can't wait to be with you again someday.

 Merry Christmas Mom, Love P