Waking up everyday is still a chore itself. I still want to be with my mom. I still want to see her. I still call her AT LEAST one time every single day just hoping that maybe this one time she will answer because she knows I need to hear her voice just one more time. I go to her grave site almost daily or every other day just hoping she will be there to give me one more hug. When I go to her house and swim, I am just hoping she will be lounging in her pool just one more time to watch the babies swim and gossip with me in the pool. Yesterday was my first day back to work, and I waited all damn morning for her to call me and tell me, "Today is the first day of your 7th year teaching!". That was her tradition with me, she would always tell me today was my first day of_____ and make sure I had a picture. Even now as an adult, she always made me take a picture and send it to her :) She also was the only one who wanted my school picture as an adult. God I miss her.
I am still pissed off. I am still confused. I am still lost. I am so alone. I feel abandoned by God and my mom. It is the most unsettling feeling I have ever felt. It's not like I can someday hope to find "another mom" or someone to replace her. She is irreplaceable and no one will ever be able to fill the void I have of losing her and no one will ever, ever be able to love me and understand me like she did.
Right now, the most overwhelming feeling I have is pure guilt. Why on earth did I not tell the nurse or doctor my mom wasn't feeling well just 24 hours before she passed? Why didn't I insist on going behind my mom's back and telling the nurse to check her, or do an ultrasound or anything that would have caught the blood clot in time? I am completely feeling like I failed my mom and didn't save her. I knew she didn't feel well. I knew she was in excruciating pain. And I still did nothing. How pathetic is that of me??
Dennis and I have been having so many heart-to-heart conversations and they are conversations that I will cherish for the rest of my life. He has been telling me the most sweet, romantic and thoughtful things about my mom. It just proves how much he truly loves her. I will forever be grateful for him for loving my mom for over 20 years and treating her like a queen and literally giving her everything she wanted and deserved in life. When we were talking the other day, he said "Gosh it was almost impossible for me to ever tell your mother no. If she wanted something, I always caved in. I caved in for the new garage door, I caved in for the new siding on the building--both of which were perfectly fine before replacing them. She wanted her new car and I couldn't say no. Her jewelry and I never could say no. But God am I glad I never said no to her. Seeing her smile and light up whenever I was able to spoil her made everything so worth it. And I am so glad I was able to see her like that." Those words will never leave my mind. He adored and admired my mom. She was not just his wife, but she was truly his best friend, farming partner, business partner, and soul mate. Thank goodness for second chances in life, right?!
With school starting, and Beau getting ready to have his first day of Kindergarten, I am finding myself even more emotional. My mom was SO PROUD of Oskaloosa and our schools (probably because she was one kick ass Indian when she was in high school). She was so excited to see Beau start Kindergarten and go through our school system and follow in our footsteps at Osky and then do swim team this fall. Why did God take her away far too soon so she misses out on all of this? I don't understand and I don't think I ever will.
I am finding myself to be more angry now. And there is truly nothing anyone can say or do to make me feel better. I need my mom. I need to call her and tell her everything. I need to cry to her, yell at her, have her yell at me, tell her stories about Joe that made me mad so she can reason with me and of course take his side. I need her to be here to help me out. She was the only person I had that ever could help with my kids. If one of the boys was sick and I couldn't miss work, she was here taking care of them. If I couldn't make it to take one of the boys to the doctor for their check ups, she was the one to drive them to Pella for me. She took Beau to his dentist appointments. She was the one who took Baine to his hair cuts because he was the most calm for her. She was the one that was teaching me how to be a good mom to a daughter. She was the one who would often bring me coffee during the day at school to just drop in and say hi and see what my students were up to. She would even bring lunch for us once in a while. She was always the first one who I would call to see if she wanted to ride to Ottumwa with me. She always was "treating" Brook and I and our kids to shopping sprees and spa days. She was the one who was ALWAYS the first one to wish me happy birthday and knew how big of a deal that day was to me. I mean last year for my birthday she even wanted to come to Scooters with Joe, me, Clint, Tara, Dena, Caleb and Shawn. The year before that she drove the bus home for us when we all went tailgating at the Iowa vs ISU game. And oh boy were memories made that day! I mean she was literally my best friend. And I have had all of that taken from me now. To be quite frank, it's bullshit. I am only 28 years old, my mom was only 57 years old. This should not have happened. This isn't real. It can't be.
I am not without hope though. I have seen my mom in two very distinctive dreams so far.that are giving me hope. Dream #1 happened just days after she passed. In the dream I had known that my mom was going to die after her knee surgery. For some reason, I was not allowed to tell my mom she was going to die. I remember sitting on her couch begging her to not have the surgery because something VERY BAD was going to happen. And she kept arguing with me (imagine that) and kept telling me she needed this surgery and just wanted to feel better. I kept reiterating that something VERY BAD was going to happen. She finally said, "I know P. It's okay. I know" ****Was that her in my dream telling me she really did know she was going to die since she had predicted it? Was that her telling me she was in so much physical pain on earth she knew she wanted to do this so she wouldn't suffer anymore and have a very fast, peaceful passing?
In Dream #2: I had been at the funeral home with Brook going over mom's funeral arrangements. As we went to the cemetery to bury mom, she came back to life. (yes I know this is impossible, it's just a dream remember). After my mom came back to life, I asked her why she came back I couldn't believe it. Then the last thing I remember her saying to me in that dream is "I had to come back for you. I didn't want you and your sister to fight. I know you need me so I had to come back". Ever since this dream, I have refused to sleep. I'm almost scared to sleep. I'm scared that either I won't dream about her, or that I will dream about her and then miss her more and more when I wake up. It is like reliving her dying all over again. So now I sleep on average 2-3 hours at night. I pace around my house waiting for my mom to come back to me. I ALWAYS keep my phone near me now in case she calls. I catch myself staring out my front window waiting for her to pull in my driveway. She promised me in my dream she was coming back for me, so I am taking that to the full extreme.
No, I am not crazy. Or wait, maybe I am. Either way, I know that my mom is not physically ever coming back to me. However, I keep reading blogs online of where people can see their loved one's spirits and ghosts, if you will, and can communicate with them. I have never been a believer in ghosts or aliens, but maybe I should. I really want to talk to a Medium and communicate with my mom. I want to know where she is. I want to know she is okay. I truly want to know that she didn't suffer at all and felt no pain. I want to know if she knows why she left me. I have so many questions and I need answers. Or I am going to go insane, literally.
With each passing day I am dreading the next day already. I am not able to be the best mom I can be or the best wife I can be. I have no energy or even desire to (as bad as that sounds). I am just fighting for my own well-being to stay alive and physically and emotionally survive each day. I hope a day comes soon where I can once again put my families needs first and their emotional needs. And as much as a great support system I have with Brook, Austin, Joe and my Aunt Joi, I still feel all alone. And that is a feeling I just can't shake off. I have no one to call now or vent to or cry to or just call to say "hi, I didn't need anything just wanted to call and talk". I miss those conversations the most right now. And her smile. She had the most amazing smile ever. She would light up the room as soon as she walked in. Those perfect teethe, big smile, and dark brown eyes were so breathtaking. I would give anything to see that smile and hear her laugh again.
 |
| Mom holding Piper for the first time |
No comments:
Post a Comment