One Month...

One month. It has been one month that I received the worst phone call of my life. It has been a month of mourning, crying, yelling, and questioning God on so many levels. My mom was my best friend. She was the one that always made me feel special, loved and important. She always knew what to say to cheer me up, encourage me, or give me her opinion (even if I didn't agree). I cannot even put into words how I feel. I am certainly lost right now, and just trying to survive one day at a time. People keep telling me it will get easier with time. That is far from the truth. Everyday hurts worse-if that's even possible anymore.

I have not been able to see anyone or even return calls or messages. I'm not ok today, I won't be tomorrow or even next week. Someday, though, I hope my mom helps my sister and I find peace. Brook, Austin, Joe and I truly appreciate everything everyone has done for us. The outpouring love from friends, family and our church family has been amazing. Thank you so much ❤.

A few days ago I was having one of my worst days. I have never been a very sentimental person who keeps cards or even remembers to give them out. Therefore, I could not find anything that my mom had written me. I was tearing my house apart in every room, drawer and closet. I went outside to catch my breath and all of a sudden a wave of air came across me. I don't know what made me do this, but I went into our storage room and found my old college tubs that I still hadn't unpacked, 7 years later. (My mom had been cleaning out her basement last fall and kept bringing me tubs of my things. At the time, I was so annoyed with her for continually dropping my "crap" (as she called it) off at my house. Now, I am eternally grateful she did.) As I opened my college tubs, I just saw old books, notebooks, etc. Nothing seemed important. Then all of sudden I saw a flash of wrapping paper in the bottom. What I ended up finding is now my most treasured gift I could possibly receive....

When I turned 16, my mom only gave me one small present to open. As a spoiled, ungrateful child I distinctly remember pouting on the inside. She kept a smile on her face and told me to open it and turn to the last page. She had given me a book called "100 Reasons Why a Daughter Needs a Mom". And on the last page was taped in a diamond ring that my dad had given her many moons ago that I wanted so badly. I was so excited about the ring I didn't even finish unwrapping the book or let alone read it. This book, with wrapping paper still taped on the back, was somehow in one of my college totes. I quickly snagged this book out and instantly let my emotions overtake me. This book has my mom's love all over it. On each page it gives a reason why a daughter needs a mother. And my amazing mother wrote me a personal letter on each page. (Below are a few of my favorite pages in the book). I truly have a book, written by my own mom 13 years ago, about all the reasons why she loves me and why I need her. And 13 years later, it could not be more applicable to me.

I still need my mom. I am still in denial that she is gone; that I can't call her everyday anymore on my way to work; that she won't be calling me asking when I'm coming out swimming because she made me and the kids lunch; that she isn't here to help me be a better mom and watch all of her grandchildren grow up. People are telling me I will feel her with me. Right now, I don't. I don't feel her or see her. And I would do anything just to hug her and kiss her one more time to tell her how much I love her and how proud I am to be her daughter. The last text she sent my sister and I said, "Thanks again for the long day here w kids waiting😕..love you guys!!!...God is good!" And the last words I heard were " thanks a bunch for coming back up to see me. Now get home before I worry about you driving in the dark. I love you, P"

So to all my friends, please do not ever take your loved ones for granted. Take those silly selfies together. Always tell your loved ones you love them....every day. The last lesson my mom taught me is that things or money will not make you happy. She encouraged me to simplify my life a bit and appreciate what I have and my healthy family. She always told me "try to be the person that makes a difference in someone's life". So I challenge all of you to do the same.