I do not even know how to begin this. My mom was my idol...even when she would piss me off or annoy the daylights out of me. She was the epitome of what a hardworking farm wife and mom should be.
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| Christmas 2016 |
On Thursday morning, June 29, 2017, I had the worst call of my life. My sister called me at 4:10 am. I will never forgot those words....
"Hello?"
"Paige, did I wake you?"
"No, I've been up since 3 why? What's wrong?"
"Paige, Paige we lost mom."
After she said those words, the only specific thing I remember is falling to the ground and screaming at the top of my lungs. After that, and for the next few weeks, everything is fuzzy and cloudy to remember.
On Monday, June 26 my mom went it for surgery at Mercy to have her right knee replaced. She had been in so much pain over the last year and her knee was completely shot. Her surgery was supposed to be in the morning, however, they were running behind schedule that day. Brook and I thought we were going to miss seeing her before she went in for surgery, but we are so thankful they were running behind. Mom was nervous and wanted to see us. I will be eternally grateful for that moment to see mom, take a picture with her, hug her and let her know we were all there waiting for her when she was done with surgery. After a long wait, 5 hours to be exact, we were finally able to go back and see my mom. The surgery went well and mom seemed to be in good spirits. I had Beau, Baine and Piper with me and trying to keep them entertained was a challenge to say the least. But my gosh am I so glad I brought them with me. Little did we know that would be the last time they ever saw their Nana again....
My mom passed away in her home on Thursday, June 29, 2017 at approximately 3:00 a.m. After waiting for nearly 2 weeks for the medical examiner to get to my mom's autopsy, it was determined she passed away due to a double pulmonary embolism---a blood clot, just as she predicted.
The Sunday before my mom had surgery, we were all out at her house for lunch after church. She kept telling us she had a weird feeling that she was not going to survive her surgery---that she was going to die of a blood clot. I remember us all getting so mad at her for saying that. I laughed at her and told her how ridiculous she was. "Mom, stop saying stuff like that. You are going to be just fine." Why did I not listen to her or take her seriously?
I went up both days to see my mom while she was in the hospital. I tried to get Dennis to stay at the hotel one night so he could get some sleep and I would stay with mom. But he was so dedicated to staying by her side and not leaving her. I know that meant the world to her.
But why did I not just go ahead and stay too?
Tuesday, Joe and I went back to the hospital to see my mom. I downloaded Netflix for her on her iPad and got a kick out of our username "twinkle tits". She secretly loved how inappropriate we were. We then watched Jeopardy with her for awhile seeing who could answer it first, of course she did every time. Then her and I played Sudoku and compared times to see who finished the daily challenge first. She kept telling me that she was having a little hard time breathing and that she felt her lungs were filling up with fluid. I told her to tell her nurse ASAP but she refused because she wanted to go home the next day so badly.
Why did I not go behind her back and make the doctor keep her one more day in the hospital?
The next night Joe and I decided to watch "The Shack". (Mom was released from the hospital that afternoon and she just wanted to rest at home so I gave her a chance to relax). We had done a book study on this book a few months ago with our church Bible study group. I remember thinking I would never be able to be that brave and trust God enough to just forgive and move forward. Then when we watched the movie, I cried. And I rarely cry like that. I cried thinking how fortunate I am and that I pray I don't have to ever endure the pain of losing someone like that.
Was this God preparing me for the phone call I was about to receive in 5 hours? And why did I not go out to see my mom even against her wishes to rest?
I normally do not sleep at nights anymore, my anxiety truly had taken over my life. But I was able to fall asleep after the movie for a bit. I remember distinctly waking up at 3:00 not feeling well. I laid in bed, played Sudoku on my phone, and was telling myself that I should go to the grocery store for mom tomorrow before I head out in the morning to see her. I was wide awake thinking these thoughts when I got the phone call.....
Did I wake up at 3 that morning because my heart was telling me something was wrong? Why did I not think to try and call my mom or text her to check in?
Over the past several months my mom had been opening up to me about many things and even apologizing for hurtful things that had happened in the past. She never apologized, ever. She would often tell Brook and I "now if something were to happen to me, remember...." and then tell us a secret or something we should make sure to do. She had even gone into details about what she would want at her funeral: no black, Sarah Yoder to sing, Josh Brink to play Amazing Grace on the piano, no fake flowers on the tables for lunch, and wanted to be buried across from her mom and dad. Was she, or God, trying to prepare us all? Why did I not take these signs seriously at the time?
This spring after I had Piper, I kept debating on whether or not to go back to work. If I took my full maternity leave, I didn't have to. I really wanted to just stay home with her. Then all of a sudden, with many other factors involved, I decided to go back to work for the last month. Everyone kept telling me why did you come back? Why didn't you just take the month off then be home with Piper for 6 months? At the time, I was trying to help my family financially, and I missed my students at school. My mom had agreed to watch Piper for me so that was my deciding factor. I knew my newborn baby would be in the best hands possible.
But now looking back, did I go back to work because God wanted my mom to get that quality time in with Piper? Was God inside me telling me to go back because he knew I would want my mom to make those memories with Piper and for me to cherish that forever?
I have been talking to Dennis a lot this past week about my grief, sadness and anger right now. I am specifically angry at God. Why would God take my mom from me? Didn't he know how much Brook and I needed her? How much we depended on her? How she was our safe haven and our rock? The glue that kept our family together. Why would God take her? Dennis told me...."I don't think God took her. I think he let her come to Him. She didn't want to leave you Paige. I know she didn't. But she had just said a few weeks ago that she didn't want to live anymore if her fibromyalgia didn't get any better. I told her don't be ridiculous why would you say something like that?" He said that now looking back at that conversation, maybe was this knee surgery going to be too much on her body and make her worse? Maybe she was going to be in more pain than she was before and now not even able to walk.
Was this God "letting" her come HOME to Him so she didn't have to suffer and be miserable?
My mom was my everything. She was my sounding board, my best friend, my biggest cheerleader and also my biggest critic in life. Whenever I was feeling down, blue or just needed a pick me up, she always knew how to make me feel better. Or even better, would put me in my place to make me realize "life isn't really that bad". She was helping me become a better mom. She almost always was there to help me out when one of the kids was sick and I needed her to stay home with them, or to run Beau to church or to dentist appointments, or to take Baine to the dermatologist in Ottumwa for me, or to take care of my newborn baby girl for 5 weeks. Whatever I needed, she was always there. She was so excited for Beau to do swim team this year. She had already told me we would bring Piper and a pack and play to Beau's meets, just like she did with me when we went to Brook's swim meets. She was the only one who actually said they wanted to go watch a swim meet with me. It was another one of our special bonds---our love for the water and swimming. On my way to work in the mornings she would call me. If she hadn't heard from me in the morning or during the school day, she would always call me after school and say "oh well I just hadn't heard from you today and just checking in". If someone did something to upset me, hurt me, make me laugh, you name it, she was the person I would want to call and tell about right away. I feel so lost and alone right now. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. Never did I ever imagine I would have to grieve the loss of a parent at such a young age. I needed her. I still need her. I am so angry with God and am questioning Him on so many levels.
People say God only gives you what you can handle, but I don't know how to handle this. I just want to see her again. Help her fix her hair. Tell her how much I love her and hold her hand. I loved looking at her hands. It hurts to breathe right now. It hurts to wake up. It hurts that I am not able to be the best mom I can be to my own kids right now. The pain is consistently getting stronger instead of fading away.
When will I be able to feel my mom with me? When will I feel content and able to move on? How will I move on without her?
I have so many questions, questions that I am sure I will never have answers to. While I am not ignorant enough to think I am the only one in this world suffering or enduring pain, in fact there are millions of people going through far worse situations than I am, but this is my own pain. And when it is your own pain, and it's fresh, you can't think about anything else.
