Letter For You, Mom

Dear Mom,

I needed to reach out to you in any form possible. I talk to you every single day. I still call you EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I go to your grave almost daily. I try to find you in my dreams. And I can't see you anywhere or find you. This is my last resort. You used to always love it when Brook and I updated our blogs. You loved seeing the new pictures go up. You also had no problem in calling me to critique what I said, how it offended you, made you mad, or to point out my spelling errors. I need you here because I have no one to do this now. You were my person who could say whatever they wanted to me, whether I agreed or not, and you could get away with it. Even though you became more than just my mom, my best friend, I still had the most amount of respect for you. I could never stay mad at you. Ever.

Mom I find myself struggling more and more everyday without you. It is becoming more real, and less like you're just gone on vacation or mad at me and we just haven't talked in a few days. This is real. This really happened. And I still just can't believe it. I want you to come back. Need is more accurate. I am only 29, Mom. I need you here with me. My babies need you. Brook needs you. Our family is falling apart. I am falling apart. My relationships with those I love is falling apart. I need you here to help me fix it and tell me what I'm doing wrong. I need you here to support me and have my back. I have no one now. I have more people reaching out to offer help than I know what to do with, but I still feel more alone and abandoned than I ever thought possible. I don't want help from anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I want it from you. I need it from you. And I just can't get a grip on how to fix this.

I tried talking to someone at Pine Rest. However, that didn't end well. I walked out, more like stormed out, of the office after I told Jean to go "f*ck herself" when she told me to open up about my feelings. I know you would be proud of that ;). But honestly, she deserved it. Brook and I are barely surviving, Mom. Neither of us know how to help the other. We both feel helpless. We are helpless in helping each other, and helping ourselves. Our only solution is to have you. You were the glue in our family. And that role is irreplaceable.

Friday, Dennis, Aunt Joi, Joe and I went to pick out your headstone. You would be so proud of the sketching Brook drew. Dennis and I picked out the most beautiful piece of granite I have ever seen. It looks like it was made for your house with all of your decor. I hope you like it. We are trying to make sure every detail would make you proud and happy. We know not to make it showy, because you were NOT a showy person and never boasted about what you had. Don't worry, we'll make sure your headstone is beautiful, classy, elegant and within reason. All of which describes you perfectly.

Beau lost his 1st tooth. And I found myself calling you right away that morning to tell you. You didn't answer, of course, but I left you a voicemail so I hope you heard it. (Yes, I'm aware of how insane I sound). He really misses you. He is having less bad days though, which is good. He still sleeps with his Nana Book he made for you this summer with all pictures of you in it and drawings he's made of you. You were his rock, Nana. You spoiled him and loved him so much, just like you did all of the babies.

Can you see how much we all need you? Or can you only see the good in Heaven? Brook keeps telling me you can't see us when we're sad, because that would make you sad. And you aren't sad in Heaven, only happy. So I worry you hardly ever see me. I can count on one hand the number of times I have felt happy since June. I try. I am trying. But I am failing every day. I need a sign from you. I need something. Anything. I don't want to see a damn cardinal and be told it's you. I don't want anymore butterfly signs. I need something specific. When you "told me" to go look downstairs in my college tub for that book you gave me, THAT WAS A SIGN. When I lay away at 3:00 in the morning or wake up right before 3:00 in the morning, THAT IS A SIGN. Please, give me one. I need to feel you.

Dennis is really struggling too, Mom. He misses you so much. He keeps telling me how he needs to get on top of his smoking and drinking this fall, but he is just trying to survive too. Remember how you "told me" awhile back in my dream to go get special things at the house because the time was coming? I did. Or I tried at least. But everything in that house is special. It is your dream house. The house you built and designed just for you. Every inch of that house reminds me of you. But your smell has faded. The shades are always down. The light isn't as bright anymore, and of course the decorations aren't up to your liking. But we are doing a good job of keeping your sink clean. That would make you proud I hope :)

Last night was my latest panic attack. It was real. I could feel you, except it wasn't you with me. It was like I was you. I couldn't breathe, my side cramped, I kneeled over, and just shook. My mind took me to that horrible morning in June. I could see you laying on the floor. I could see the panic in your eyes and feel how scared you were. I felt it all. As if I was you or right there with you. This all happened in a 5-6 minute time frame. Which is also the time-frame it happened for you. Why did this happen? I really thought Joe was about to rush me to the ER. It was the scariest feeling I have had in quite awhile. When I asked to feel you, that is NOT what I meant. All this time I had been convincing myself that you didn't suffer or even know you were dying. But last night, you told me otherwise. I felt it all. And that makes me sick to even think of you suffering or being scared. Breaks my heart quite frankly.

The holidays are almost here. And they are going to be horrible. You were the best at decorating for the holidays. You were the best at spoiling us at the holidays. You were the best at baking and cooking. Holidays won't be the same now. And they never will be. You should be here. You should be here to watch the kids' Christmas program at church and see Beau and Banx argue on stage.  You should be here to take my students Christmas shopping with me. You should be here to read Bible stories to the kids on Christmas. You should be here. And it's just not fair.

I don't think I will ever understand why this happened to you, to me, to our family. You should not have been the one to go. It wasn't supposed to be you. You know that. Brook knows that. I know that. It wasn't your time. I didn't even get a goodbye. I didn't get a chance to tell you how much I love you. How beautiful I think you are. How smart and talented you are. How I strive to be just like you and how proud you make me as your daughter. I didn't get the chance to hold your hand one last time or hug you. I didn't get to feel you or take the time to remember how I felt in your arms when you held me or hugged me. And now I can't remember any of that. I already can't remember your smell. I'm forgetting what your hands felt like. I'm forgetting your touch. And if it weren't for your voicemail, I worry I'd be forgetting your voice. All of which I am told will come back to me in time. I'm just in shock still. But it has been 4 months. 4 long miserable months. 4 months of pain and agony. And Mom, it's not getting any easier. It's getting harder. Daily.

Mom, please come to me tonight in my dreams. Let me know you are okay. Let me know you are in Heaven. That it is for real. That we are living our lives devoted to Christ and it's not all for nothing. I need you to reassure me. Because I feel betrayed by God. I'm trying to live my life for Him, and he repays me by taking you from me. I know that is incredibly selfish for continually saying "me, me , me". But it's how I feel. I can't even think past "me" right now. I still can't even wrap my mind around it.

Please know I love you. I love you more than life itself and to Heaven and back times infinity.
Love,
P

Sleepy Babies

I don't know what we have done, but Joe and I have been extremely luck to have very good sleeping babies. All three babies have been sleeping through the night by 3 months, or earlier. Piper sleeps about 10-12 hours every night (depending on how hungry she is), and the boys are solid sleepers. I love seeing how peaceful they are in their sleep and the innocence they have. Please stay this way forever!

Family Bonding Time

This has been a hard year on our family, me especially. I never talk about it, but I suffered PPD with Piper and was still battling it when my mom passed. Then everything has just compiled into one big cluster-you know what. From my own suffering and demons that I am fighting, our family has been suffering due to it. My patience is thin. I have no energy to do the things I would normally do. I have no drive to do fun things. I have nothing left in my to be giving my family my all, especially Joe. So the past few weeks we have definitely been putting house work and cleaning off so we can just try and relax at night and spend time together when we are able to. I hope the kids will always know how much I love them and this is just a phase I am battling through, or at least I hope. 

Time-Out Session

Lately the boys have been fighting SO BADLY! So Joe took matters into his own hands. Instead of the traditional spank, time-out, lecture, etc.-the boys now have to hold hands while they sit in time-out. I must say, this seems to work. So far. Or for now ;)

Banx's 7th Birthday Sleepover

Friday night, Banx had a sleepover with 13 of her friends for her 7th birthday. She asked if Aunt PP and Piper could also stay the night, so of course I can't say no to her :) It was a CRAZY house full of girls. But seeing how happy Banx was I know made it all worth it for Brook. Piper loved the attention too so it all worked out :)

Baine's Birthday at School

I never know exactly how Baine is doing at pre-school since I never get to drop him off or pick him up. I assume he is as ornery and naughty there as he is at home for us. But so far, I am getting good reports. I mean I doesn't even smile or pose nicely for pictures for me at home. And look at how good he did in this picture for Ms. Richelle?! What the heck dude!!! :)

Beau's 1st Tooth!

Beau FINALLY lost his first tooth Friday. It had been sooooo wiggly all week, but he wouldn't let me pull it. So early Friday morning, as he was snuggling in bed with me, he says "ahhh Mommy, my tooth just fell out". It was the sweetest thing ever. The tooth fairy brought him $5, although I think he was hoping for more ;). 

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday, Mom

Last Thursday was my mom's birthday. She would have been 58. She SHOULD have been here to turn 58. It is still unfair and unbelievable that she is gone. It was another hard first. And it didn't even hit me really until Friday, when we went to pick out Mom's headstone for her grave. Dennis was so good about calling Brook and I and texting us throughout Thursday to talk to us. I was very grateful for all the wonderful people in my life who took time out of their day to  check in on me and Brook to see how we were doing. It just shows who really cares. And for that I feel blessed. However, I am still bitter that she wasn't here. It was just 5 years ago that Joe and I went to a Wilson Philips concert with my mom and Dennis at Prairie Meadows. She was SO excited to go to this. I hope you were able to dance and sing with all of your favorite bands and lay out on a beach, mom. I wish more than anything I could have celebrated with you. I love you, and miss you more than I ever thought possible. 

Aunt Joi always thinks of the sweetest things :)

While Dennis and I were on the phone at the end of the night Thursday, he told me that this is mom's 1st birthday in Heaven. And for that reason we should feel blessed. As true as this may be, it made me incredibly mad. Not mad at Dennis, just mad. And all honesty, probably made mostly at God. I don't want her birthdays to be in Heaven. I don't want her to there because "He needed her more up there than we did down here". I am so sick and tired of hearing these things. But then as I thought more about what Dennis and I talked about, the more I realize I need to try my best to focus on what I should be happy about. And the only thing I could think of, and still can think of, is that I am happy that she is no longer in pain. Her knees were horrible and were keeping her from living life to the fullest. Her fibromayalgia was getting worse. So if there is a Heaven, which I am struggling with believing at this point, I know she is there if there is one. She was such a strong Christian, especially her last 7-8 years of life. If anyone was going to make it to Heaven, I know for sure she would be there. So with that, I am able to find a fraction of peace. I have been asking my mom for a sign for weeks now. And I am still not getting one. I begged for my birthday. Prayed even (which is rarely do anymore). For mom's birthday I sat and prayed all day just hoping to even feel her. So maybe for Christmas. She was always the best gift giver, so maybe she'll pull through on this one and give me a sign she's with me. 

For to celebrate Mom's birthday, Brook Austin Joe and I went out to Bad Mom's Christmas then to dinner. While the movie was entertaining, it was definitely hard to watch. Just hearing the word "mom" constantly throughout the movie jerked at my heart. Dannitta, mom's best friend, was in the theatre to watch it too. It was just us there. What kind of coincidence is that?! Dannitta had seen me earlier that day when I was visiting Mom at her grave (I still go almost every single day). She didn't stay to talk to me and I found that odd. But she told me later that night it makes it too real to see us at the grave visiting her. And that is when I lost it. It's true. The only place I have left to see my mom or talk to her, is at the cemetery. And that is heartbreaking.

Celebrating Shawn's 30th Birthday

We went out to Des Moines Saturday for Shawn's 30th birthday. I can definitely tell I'm a mother and getting old because 1. I couldn't wait to go to bed Saturday night 2. I couldn't stay out past 10 and 3. all I wanted to do was to get home and cuddle my kids. But it was a fun day at the Beer, Wine and Food Expo and I hope you had the best day ever, Shawn!

Iowa vs Ohio State Game

The other weekend we went to Iowa City to tailgate and watch the Iowa game and to go to Eddy and Molly's baby shower. Even though it was cold and rainy, we had a great day together and had a much needed day away.

Beau's Kindergarten Class Activities: October